Neurodivergence And Substance Use: An Under-explored Intersection [Part 3/4]

Jay Cooper found his first foray into the narcosphere blocked by parents and police. But he was just waiting to turn 16, start college and leave home to deepen and extend his involvement. With maturity comes greater acceptance he will never be “normal”, and maybe “normal” isn’t all it’s cracked up to be…

It must be said I had to convince my first plug to let me use their spare room as things got worse at home, that I knew exactly what I was in for and suggested working for them as I wanted to replace the money I’d spent on cocaine and other stuff. There was not the slightest hint of coercion or exploitation involved, contrary to the repressive and factually incorrect narratives of so-called “CCE” or “grooming” in the context of gang activity and clandestine drug markets, which serve on a national scale to encourage moral panic, informants, vigilantism and deleterious state interference in the lives of young people and their communities.

I had come nowhere near to physical or even psychological dependence on cocaine before this sorry episode, yet chafed at enforced sobriety in a way which reflected my emerging subjectification as a drug user. London harm reductionist Shane Levene described on his blog Memoirs of a Heroinhead that he instinctively felt a community bond with “West End junkies” at the same age, before he had significant drug use experience- and the process of becoming one of their number was self-conscious, volitional, even empowering. It felt like I was being denied the opportunity to ‘reset’ my state of mind to something more livable. Being told by parents and others that my brain was still growing (a fact widely abused to undermine agency & justify coercion- viz. the reprehensible Cass Review) and that “unnatural” chemicals would “damage” it pressed me to research the latest neuroscience and psychopharmacology, topics I was already interested in, and paved the way to a worldview that accommodates brain differences more widely, less invested in narrowly defined “normalcy”. As part of demonstrating the maturity to make responsible choices, I developed deep commitment to harm reduction which showed in my regular activity on Bluelight and elsewhere in cyberspace and in-person attendance at FACT Picturehouse screenings connected to the IHRA (now renamed Harm Reduction International) 2010 conference in Liverpool.

On starting college that September I was content to accept disability support, rather than seeking to prove I didn’t need it as at school. I described myself as struggling with depression and possible ADHD; on paperwork I included my AS diagnosis privately admitting it to be accurate but still didn’t join the related affinity group or “find my people” socially, and making friends with neurotypicals was not easy. This and my limited susceptibility to peer pressure had a protective effect against the culture of binge drinking in the student halls I now called home; my flatmates stopped inviting me to gather on weekend nights as they thought me “boring” for drinking a couple of shots or a single fruit cider while they plowed through vast quantities of alcohol in drinking games and all night sessions. Another reason for my moderation was that booze mixed poorly with SSRIs I had been prescribed intermittently since ’09 and the downers I discovered to be useful for tackling bouts of anger or anxiety which left untreated wreaked havoc on relationships. Temazepam and similar pills mitigated this, were cheap, fairly safe and came with an appealing ‘mellow buzz’.

Aged 17, I confounded my mother’s assertion that I wouldn’t be trying pharmaceutical opioids, via an online source. It made regular social interaction easier with a general sense of wellbeing at low doses; taking a little more induced euphoric affective expansiveness. I used no more than biweekly, for financial reasons and to avoid dependence, which I still believed to be inherently problematic. One of my suppliers posted a handful of Dexedrine tablets as a bonus freebie, which I was glad to try. The experiment was successful beyond all doubt- just two 5mg pills quickly got me to completing hours of overdue tasks. College work, tackling the pile of dirty dishes that had accumulated, breaking bad news over the phone… check, check, check. I knew that unlike the MST continus it accompanied in the package, this drug would in theory be legally obtainable for (one of) my condition(s) but that waitlists for ADHD treatment were long. The next year my parents funded a private consultation which ultimately expedited my access to regular long-term NHS prescribing.

After missing out on my dream of medical school at Cambridge and having no more luck with my back-up applications, I found myself unoccupied and often lonely, a predicament worsened by debilitating symptoms consistent with secondary PTSD. This created a plausibility structure for more frequent opioid use, in much the same way as life circumstances shape regularity of consumption for neurotypical users. The difference for me was that it doubled as a form of ‘masking’: when neurodivergent folks take steps to prevent their brain differences showing in social situations to fit in and/or avoid judgement, pity, trollish ‘concern’ etc. For the next five years I would have rarely interrupted access to a safe supply of Diconal which was so intensely satisfying I never considered quitting… and cannot imagine having done so while this continued.

Then, as good things are wont to do, the flow of pink tablets marked F3A over which I bonded with Mother Superiors double or triple my age in digital drug user/ harm reduction community and on the streets of Liverpool came to a sudden end. I tapered down on morphine with a view to reaching zero but found life was harder using nothing save prescribed stimulants: I was increasingly questioned and misunderstood in everyday settings. Maintaining communication with loved ones became a chore more than a pleasure. Worse still, having finally secured a university place in Leeds aged 23 I was unceremoniously dumped off the biochemistry course on account of “erratic” (i.e. non-typical, and at no point harmful to myself or others) behaviour on induction day, despite having worked safely in a lab as a far more impulsive and unpredictable teenager.